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Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL.... @gknauss When Manson popped the question, his fiancée tearfully replied, "Charlie... @bobharrisdotcom Only one religion is right but I won't say which one because I want you to figure it out by hating and killing each other while I watch. @The Tweet Of God I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog. @cheeseboy22 Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home. @yuckybot I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10.
Saucy Kensington *Food hits floor* Little Germs: "Let's get it! We must wait 5 seconds." …@hythemafia There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator … Jim Gaffigan I scream, You scream, We all scream Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again..... @rgay I am the Sir Thomas Erpingham at Agincourt of unnecessarily obscure historical references ... @jwoodham Whoever named "cookies" was the laziest person in the world. @sween My 15-year-old son is having spicy Popeye's fried chicken with ketchup for breakfast. I don't want you to guess, I just thought you should know ...
(Wait — metaphor confusion.) Either way, Twitter users decided to laugh instead of shed tears over their cable bills.
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Some of these tweets pre-date 2014 but are included because they showed up in my feed (as re-tweets) in the past 12 months. @polychromatik Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee …
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A few aren't from Twitter but other social media or Internet platforms, and not all of them are supposed to be funny -- several are simply wise and on point. Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive? Jake Vig Just a reminder not to wear white after Labor Day and not to be black around [email protected] Fahey When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left" ...